


I can't find you anymore

by lightsfillthesky



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alive Vernon Boyd & Erica Reyes, Alpha Derek Hale, Angst with a Happy Ending, Derek Comes Back, Derek Leaves Beacon Hills, Drugs, Emotionally Hurt Stiles Stilinski, M/M, Scott McCall is a Bad Friend, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 01:25:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8777560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsfillthesky/pseuds/lightsfillthesky
Summary: Derek was Stiles anchor but now that he's leaving Beacon Hills, what will happen to the boy who's slowly mending himself, what will happen with the voices he hears





	

**Author's Note:**

> take mind of the tags, there's references to drugs, alcohol, and cutting.

 

It started out with the small things slowly chipping away at him, his father constantly worrying about him, still believing he was lying about everything regardless of his confession about werewolves and everything that has happened since Scott was bitten, the complete fear that something was going to kill one of his friends, fear of failure that could cause someone’s death, worrying about every possible monster hidden in the dark.

 

Then Allison’s death happened, still haunting him, making him scream at night, his throat burning as he woke up completely drenched, his hair clinging onto his forehead, pulling his knees up to his chest, scratching his arms till his blunt nails broke his skin, making him bleed.

 

The small amount of pain helped him in that moment, he kept on scratching, the burning sensation not leaving his body. He hadn’t even noticed Derek jumping through his window in till he felt someone grab his wrists; he lifted his gaze towards the man, tears staining his cheeks “I- I can’t do this anymore” sobs making his body shake. Derek remained silent as he pulled Stiles up from the bed grabbing his hand as he led him towards the bathroom sitting him on the edge of the toilet seat, cupping the back of his neck as he knelt down in front of him “I’m going to get the first aid kit, I’ll be right back”

 

He doesn’t know how long Derek was gone maybe mere seconds but it felt like an eternity, the voices in his head getting louder, making him pull strands of his own hair, he wanted them to go away. He felt a warm hand covering his own hand “let me see your wounds”

 

He watched as Derek cleaned his arms, wrapping them up with such tenderness that made his chest ache. Seeing Derek in the kitchen making him tea just because, staying up with him all night rubbing small circles in his back as he cried, curled around Derek, incased in warmth.

 

Things changed after that, Derek would stay over helping him keep the nightmares at bay, the voices barely a whisper, anchoring him to reality.

 

Derek would invite him to spend the day with his betas, he actually developed a friendship with them, not something that was only based on survival. It was awkward at first not knowing what to do with himself as he watched them train, Jackson’s snarls making him flinch.

 

He let himself roam around Derek’s loft his finger tracing every inch of the place, looking at all the books Derek started collecting near his bed, he let his hand pass over Derek’s sheet feeling the material underneath the tip of his fingers.

 

“Enjoying yourself?” Derek smirked

 

He felt himself jump out of his skin, instantly turning around and narrowing his eyes “do you want me to have a heart attack?”

 

“We’re going to order pizza” Derek said, his hip resting against the railing as he watched Stiles

 

He huffed as he passed by Derek “Didn’t you guys eat pizza last night?”

 

“Yeah” Erica answered from where she was laying star-fished on the ground, breathing heavily

 

He turned to look at Derek, eyes wide poking him in the chest “You guys are going to end up obese, I’m going to cook you guys something healthier so go shower or something” he waved around stopping as it dawned on him “wait you do have food in your kitchen right?”

 

Isaac snorted, as he pulled out a water bottle from the refrigerator “nope”

 

He could see the blush forming over Derek’s cheeks “well alpha, let’s go you have 10 minutes to get ready and go shopping with me” he grinned as he picked up his car keys

 

* * *

 

 “This is really good batman” Erica moaned as she took another bite “you need to cook more often, possibly everyday?”

 

“I’d annoy you guys too much to come over everyday” he smiled as he leaned back on the couch watching everyone eat his food, even Jackson thanked him in his own way but what he was most focus on was Derek, he gave him the largest serving being alpha and all, he had a feeling Derek knew what he did but the man kept his gaze on the plate but he could still see the small smile on his face.

 

“if you cook like this everyday, you are completely welcome” Isaac smirked

 

“aww Isaac its nice to know you only like me for my food” he grinned, his phone started ringing, immediately tensing up which didn’t go unnoticed by the rest of the pack

 

“Hey dad” he closed his eyes as he heard rustling on the other line

 

“Where are you?”

 

“I’m at Derek’s, why?” he asked

 

“The truth Stiles” his father sighed heavily on the other line, making his throat close up hearing the tone of his father’s voice

 

“It is! I’m with Erica, Boyd, Jackson, Isaac and Derek. Why would I lie?” he felt the desperation leak into his voice, not daring to open his eyes, not wanting to see the look on their faces.

 

“I don’t know anymore Stiles” he shouldn’t have done it, shouldn’t have said it, it just feel out of his mouth, making him regret it instantly the moment he said it.

 

“Well sorry for being an utter disappointment dad, should have raised me better then” he hung up squeezing the phone between his hand “I have to go” he got up not even looking at anyone as he headed towards the door feeling the anger boiling in his stomach. As he reached his jeep his hands were shaking, they wouldn’t stop. Closing and opening his hands did nothing to help him. Feeling his chest hurt, the voices coming back louder.

 

He felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him pulling him closer “breath Stiles” Derek rubbing his cheek alongside Stiles, he leaned back squeezing his eyes shut as he placed his hand over Derek’s

 

“I hate it, I hate it so much” he whispered, “I want everything to just stop”

 

* * *

 

He didn’t even notice how much time he actually spent over at Derek’s now, it became in a certain way his second home, which terrified him. He had a routine with Derek’s pack, he’d go grocery shopping with Isaac, play video games or lacrosse with Jackson, talk about the latest book he was reading with Boyd and they'd both bake together, binge watch a bunch of shows with Erica criticizing every little thing they deemed unworthy, both of them having high expectations.

 

Derek was another thing, completely different and unexpected, when everyone else would go to their bedrooms, they’d both stay up late in the living room talking about everything and anything. Sharing secrets no one else knew about themselves, things from their childhood, talking about everything involving Scott which was still a sore subject, about Derek’s family the man describing his brother and sisters, how the whole family would spend the summer together up near the beach, how his grandmother would make the best chocolate cookies.

 

He felt welcomed with them, they knew when he was feeling lost, simply being there for him, a light touch across the back of his neck, Erica’s full on cuddles, Boyd making his favorite cookies, Jackson giving him pointers when he was working out, Isaac leaning towards him throughout the day, he would feel warm inside.

 

They’d invite him for pack cuddles, Derek drawing small spirals on his back, keeping him grounded as they slept next to each other. He would always wake up completely pressed against Derek, his face hidden in the crook of Derek’s neck, pulling back to look at the man his face completely at peace, lips parted as his chest fall up and down, tracing Derek’s face with his index finger, Derek was completely beautiful and he hadn’t notice how much Derek changed his life in a span of a couple of months, feeling wanted, belonging somewhere, being included and appreciated.

 

* * *

 

He hated being at home, hated seeing his father, barely being able to be in the same room without fighting. He’d lock himself up in his room, placing his headphones on as he placed his music on the highest volume, drowning the rest of the world out.

 

It was late at night, his father working a double shift as he sat on his roof looking up at the stars. Things have been getting better with Scott, not great but better.

 

School started soon, finally being a senior, finally being able to graduate and leave this place forever. A small voice in his mind asking him about Derek, he wanted to be with Derek, he couldn’t bury the feelings anymore or pretend he didn’t want something more with the man.

 

He wanted to be able to hold Derek’s hand whenever he wanted, to spend time with him, just being near each other, cooking for him seeing Derek’s soft expression, he felt happier around him, almost as if all his worries melted away as if nothing bad existed around him. He wanted to see Derek laugh more apart from the small times he made him laugh, he wanted Derek to be more open, to actually open up to others.

 

He should have known it was going to end soon.

 

* * *

 

 Hearing ruffling down below “I’m up here” he pulled his knees up to his chest resting his cheek against his knee “Hey”

 

“Hey” Derek smiled pulling himself up, sitting besides Stiles, both of them gazing up towards the sky “what’s up big guy?”

 

Derek took a deep breath “you know how I feel about this place right?”

 

He felt something sour inside him “Yeah, too many bad memories” he croaked out

 

Derek nodded as he leaned back “I thought it was going to be easier especially with my betas, things were calming down, Scott has been getting better as a leader, as an alpha. We’ve been getting along, you helping us be a better pack” he nudged their shoulders together

 

He shook his head “I didn’t do anything. I like spending time with you guys” he played with the hem of his jeans, Derek grabbed his arm “look at me Stiles, you’ve done a lot for my pack, from protecting them, providing for them to hearing about their day. You’re loyal and brave; you always know what to say. You do more than you think you do. You helped my betas and – you helped me”

 

Stiles could feel the burning behind his eyes, making his throat close up “why does this feel like a goodbye speech?” he tried to keep his breathing calm as he locked eyes with Derek, tears slowly streaming down his cheeks.

 

Derek’s face was unreadable, his eyes pinched at the corner, pulling him into a tight embrace, rubbing his back in a soothing manner “I’m sorry Stiles, I can’t be here anymore”

 

He wanted to scream, he wanted to claw at his arms, he could feel the bile erupting inside him _Why can’t you stay for me, aren’t I enough? Don’t leave me here please don’t leave me. I’m in love with you_ But he kept that all inside, the rational part in him knew he couldn’t tell him, Derek was going to be free, was going to get out of this hellhole and he wasn’t going to stop him “I want you to be happy Derek, I want you to smile and it to be a genuine smile, I want you to be able to breath properly, live somewhere that doesn’t have all these nasty memories, I want people to treat you like an actual human being. I want you to laugh, I want your pack to keep growing, I want you to have happy memories” he gripped Derek’s shirt between his fingers, his face pressed against the man’s chest, memorizing his scent he wanted to be selfish, his feelings bubbling underneath the surface, making him squeeze his eyes shut.

 

They stayed like that, Derek rocking him back and forth murmuring that everything was going to be fine, that he wouldn’t leave or forget about him, that they’d still talk but something inside him screamed that there were all lies.

 

* * *

 

He watched them drive away, Derek left him the loft to look after, he told him it was somewhere he could go when things started getting overwhelming. He felt hollow inside as he looked at the few pictures on the wall he forced Derek to get of the whole pack, he was the only one looking at the camera, touching the frame, it was weird the quietness around him he couldn’t hear Erica’s laughter, Jackson grumbling, he even missed Isaac’s whining.

 

Everything was cold, too cold.

 

* * *

 

 It’s been four months since Derek’s been gone, they’d talk over the phone sometimes, but constantly through text, Derek has been keeping his promise but it wasn’t enough it was having him near but at the same time so far away.

 

Scott and him have been getting better it was as if there were best friends again, they had a long talk about Allison, it was overwhelming and heartbreaking, screams were involved, the blame game, the what if’s. They both knew they had stuff to work out but they were slowly getting there. They started hanging out more, talking like before, getting to know each other again.

 

Things were slowly starting to get better.

 

He protected Scott’s pack but he wouldn’t consider them his own, it was still strange, he knew some of them feared what he had become, he couldn’t say it didn’t bother him. Malia was one of the few who understood him, protected him.

 

Monsters came and went, staying up late at night investigating who was the big bad this week, it turned into a routine, something he got use to. He’d avoid staying at home, rather spending his time at the loft, Derek had left some shirts behind that still smelled like him.

 

He missed him deeply, his dreams constantly plagued with Derek. It was cruel dreaming as if he were still here, if he could actually touch him.

 

* * *

 

Then Theo happened

 

They didn’t believe him, Scott didn’t believe him, they thought he was one of the good guys, that Stiles was exaggerating, well it all went to shit didn’t it. Lydia missing, pyscho doctors appearing, bodies missing just fantastic really.

 

He talked about it with Derek, his pack believed him, it was strange that he considered Derek’s pack his own, he never said anything to Derek about it. It made him feel better that someone actually had faith in him.

 

* * *

 

 He killed someone, he had the bite mark to prove it. It happened so fast, he remembers snippets of it, Donovan chasing him, the burning in his lungs as he ran away. He couldn’t breath, he tried calling Derek but the call didn’t go through, it felt like his head was going to explode. He hid in his bedroom, shaking underneath the covers, pulling at his hair ripping clumps of it. Everything ached, the voices screaming at him, they wouldn’t leave they would shut up not in till he reached for his father’s liquor downing the entire bottle. He felt fuzzy at the edges, lighter and finally the voices weren’t there anymore.

 

* * *

 

Derek left him, he couldn’t contact him, he tried to call his number but it wasn’t in service, he was alone again with his own thoughts. He tried calling braeden but she hadn’t heard anything for him either, she told him if she heard anything she’d call.

 

The voices mocked him again

 

 _What if Derek’s hurt? What if the pack dead?_ They aren’t, they’re strong

 

 _Well what if they found someone better, leaving you behind? poor little Stiles abandoned again_   They wouldn’t do that, they care about me

 

_Do they?_

 

Later that night Scott didn’t believe him about Donovan. He actually didn’t believe himself anymore either. What if he was a killer, what if that was what the reason the nogitsune latched on to him, because he could sense the evil inside him.

 

* * *

 

He distanced himself from the pack even after Scott apologized to him. He couldn’t bare it anymore, he couldn’t pretend to laugh or act like nothing had happened, that it wasn’t eating away at him. He drove out of Beacon Hills. He wasn’t going anywhere he just wanted a change of scenery he was looking for something he didn’t really know.

 

He found himself in a sleazy club, everything was dark, and it smelled like cigarettes and vomit. He sat at the bar while everyone else danced, the bartender didn’t even asked for his ID, just kept serving him drink after drink. He could hear the voices simmering down inside his mind he couldn’t believe that it worked.

 

The scents around him were intoxicating, the vodka burning his throat, slowly easing his mind, he hadn’t even notice that someone was starring at him till the bartender gave him another shot “I didn’t order this”

 

“No, the guy at the end of the bar did” he turned to look at the man, he was muscular, tall from what he could see, blue eyes and a sharp jaw line, he was attractive but he wasn’t a certain werewolf.

 

He watched as the man walked closer to him, the way his shirt hugged his body, how his black jeans left nothing to the imagination, how his smile was almost predatory as he leaned closer to him, the smell of cologne and alcohol. The man pulled him up “dance with me” his mind screamed but his body followed, he watched as he pulled him towards the middle of the dance floor, flushing their bodies together, he could feel the man’s breath on his neck “My name is Zack” he murmured against his skin “tell me if you don’t want this” Zack gripped his hips, slowly swaying them to the music

 

He tilted his head to the side feeling an unfamiliar kiss on his skin, the music was blaring in his ears, the alcohol was making him feel warm, and he wanted to forget. Capturing the stranger’s lips as he pushed himself back, grinding his hips, it didn’t feel right, he didn’t smell right but he didn’t care just for one night he told himself.

 

* * *

 

 The drive back home felt wrong, the sun was making his eyes hurt, he felt disgusted with himself, he wanted to scratch away at his skin. The voices coming back full force mocking him

 

_You’re disgusting, Derek will never want you now, your father is right, you’re a disappointment_

“Shut up, shut up, shut up” he squeezed the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. He wanted to throw up and disappear.

 

Finally seeing his house, his father wasn’t home yet, small miracles he supposes.

 

* * *

 

 He thought that was the last time, he made himself promise that it would but he found himself again at a different bar this time, downing drink after drink. He’d search for someone who looked like Derek, he knew it was messed up but he couldn’t help it. He’d no longer hear the voices anymore, constantly carrying a flask with him, none of the wolves noticed, they didn’t really care it still stung for some odd reason. Malia was the only one who would stay looking at him longer, he’d describe it as if she were trying to figure him out.

 

* * *

 

He was at Jungle, it was a risk but he didn’t feel like leaving Beacon Hills today. A woman walked up to him this time, he didn’t care for her “hey sweetheart, I see you’ve been drinking like its your lifeline” he raised his eyebrow at her

 

“Well I was wondering if you wanted something stronger, you see I can tell when someone is lost, they look adorable really like lost puppies” she grinned, she rested her elbows on the table “like what you see?” her low cut exposing her breasts

 

He took another shot, ignoring her as he turned to look at the dance floor.

 

“aww come on honey, here I’ll give you a free sample and if you’re interested come find me” she pulled out a small plastic bag out of her blouse “it mixes really well with alcohol” she winked as she placed the baggie on his open palm

 

He shouldn’t have done it, years of reading case files from his father, seeing the repercussions, the damage.

 

_It will make it go away, we will go away. Don’t you want that? You’re pathetic, you can’t event take two little pills. No wonder everyone leaves you behind._

It took a while before he felt the effect on his body the edges of reality blurring yet everything felt heighten, it was like he was in overdrive, everything was hot and his mouth felt dry but he felt happy, happier than he’s ever felt these past months.

 

It was intoxicating better than the drinking, he knew it was a big mistake but he didn’t care.

 

* * *

 

 It was another night, another stranger, he didn’t stay home at whoever it was, if he did he’d feel it in the morning when he was sober and he hated those feelings, it made it worse. He popped two pills before he got home, he didn’t want the nightmares, and he didn’t want to wake up screaming.

 

Parking his car he took another swig from his flask taking a deep breath as he opened his car door, his father was home but that didn’t matter anymore, his father barely talked to him always taking more shifts, leaving him alone every night. He unlocked the front door, hardly looking towards the living room where his father constantly stayed in.

 

“Stiles, come here” he groaned as he turned around “What do you want dad?” he felt his heart beat faster, Derek was there, Derek’s pack was sitting on his couch. He couldn’t breath as he stared at them, he felt like a deer caught in headlights, he wanted to run but he couldn’t move. Derek looked angry almost murderous “Sheriff we’re going to talk with Stiles up in his room if that’s okay with you”

 

“Go ahead son, I have to leave anyways” the sheriff walked towards the door not even looking at him, he felt anger surge inside, his father hadn’t called him son in months, not even kid, nothing and now before he could even open his mouth, Derek was dragging him upstairs, everyone else following behind.

 

When he heard the door close behind him, his father’s car engine turning on. He couldn’t look at them, the anger was too much, boiling inside him. Everything felt wrong, he didn’t even hear Derek talking to him and suddenly Erica just exploded

 

“What the fuck Stiles?! Why the fuck do you smell like you swam in booze?! You look like you’re one step from dying and that other smell that isn’t from your medicine!”

 

He laughed humorlessly, he couldn’t believe it “You left me! Almost six months ago then out of the blue you just abandon me I asked fucking braeden because I was afraid. You didn’t even call nothing, I didn’t know if you were alive or you simply found someone better, I don’t fucking know. Then Theo happened and Derek was the only one who believed me no one in Scott’s fucking pack believed me in till Lydia almost died. Then Donovan, he died because of me, because I killed him, everything was fucked up and I was by myself I had no one in my corner! My father doesn’t even look at me, doesn’t even talk to me anymore. So I’m sorry if I had to find something to survive because I constantly felt like dying. Don’t come here acting all high and mighty when you don’t know shit” he was fuming.

 

Derek tried to walk closer to him “don’t you fucking dare, don’t come here pretending those six months didn’t happen, that you didn’t call me or even send me a fucking letter at least letting me know you were okay. Don’t look at me with pity for what I’ve had to do”

 

“Stiles” Derek’s voice was soft as he slowly walked towards him “you need to calm down your heartbeat is out of control”

 

“Drugs will do that to you Derek” he narrowed his eyes only looking at Derek, he wanted him to feel what he felt, all the pain he has experienced “What did you think was going to happen Derek? I was and am in love with, did you think what? That I was going to forget you, find someone better? Ride into the sunset or some shit like that? Do you want to know how many men I slept with? I don’t even remember half their fucking names except they all looked like you, it made me feel good for a couple of hours, pretending it was actually you but then when I sobered up it all went to shit. Oh and the drugs? Fucking fantastic, the voices in my head would leave me alone for a couple of hours”

 

The room was completely silent, the tension in the air was almost suffocating but Derek’s expression didn’t falter, he kept on walking towards him completely relaxed

 

“Don’t come near me, don’t pretend you care just to leave like everyone else does” he walked back, his back hitting his wall as he grabbed his arm, his blunt nails breaking the healing skin on his wrist, blood trickling down his hand to the carpet “Just stop please” his voice trembled, tears staining his cheeks “leave me alone” Derek immediately grabbed his wrist stopping the bleeding “Jackson get the first aid kit” with his other hand he cupped Stiles face “Stiles I need you to take deep breaths”

 

“Fuck off” he tried pulling his arm away but it was pointless, Derek was always stronger then him, he was pulled into an embrace, his face pressed into Derek’s chest “Stiles you’re heart is going too fast, relax”

 

He was pulled into the bathroom back in the position he was months ago, sitting on the edge of the toilet his gaze on the floor. “Erica, get Scott” he wanted to tell him that it didn’t matter, that Scott didn’t care about him anymore but he couldn’t find his voice. He waited in till Derek stepped further out from the bathroom, launching himself towards the shower grabbing the small razor, pressing it deep across his arm, the blood pooling underneath his arm

 

“Stiles what did you do!” Derek’s voice boomed in the bathroom as he gripped Stiles wound with his hands “we need to take you to the hospital” he grabbed a towel wrapping it around the wound as he lifted Stiles “you need to tell me what you took”

 

“Why does it matter anymore” Stiles whispered, his face pressed against Derek’s shoulder

 

“Stiles please” Derek begged, he could hear his betas whimper behind him as he walked down the stairs

 

“Ecstasy and vodka”

 

“Boyd, can you drive? The keys are in my jacket” he waited in till his beta pulled out his keys, passing in front of him as he ran down the steps

 

“Please don’t leave me Derek” Derek could feel Stiles fingers dig into his chest “don’t let this be another dream”

 

“I’m not going anywhere” he pressed a warm kiss on the crown of Stiles head “Stay awake with me, Isaac call Erica and tell her where we’re going”

 

* * *

 

Derek’s pack waited outside the hospital room he felt anger, he thought when he would come back Stiles would be the same as when he left, he never imagined to see a boy he could barely recognize, his scent no longer smelled like home and cinnamon but of alcohol, drugs, guilt, sorrow and remorse, hints of strangers on his skin, he no longer smelled of his pack or Scott's.

 

Stiles bedroom didn’t smell of Scott or anyone in Scott’s pack for that matter.

 

Erica came running dragging Scott with her, her eyes flashing yellow as she reached them “What happened?” he shook his head, looking at Scott “He cut himself right across his arm, he’s been drinking and taking drugs, you promised me the night before I left that you’d look after him but he barely smells like pack, you abandoned him”

 

“He choose to be by himself” Scott sneered

 

“No he didn’t, his room smelled of sorrow, complete desperation and tears. You are his alpha and you left him. He could have die” Derek stepped closer to Scott, his eyes bleeding red “You don’t abandon your pack”

 

Scott growled his eyes responding in red “enough Scott!” Melissa gripped his shoulder pulling him back as she turned to look at Derek “We stitched him up, we hooked him up to an IV, his body is flushing the drugs out but it will take a while and he’ll feel horrible. You can visit him now, since he’s legally an adult I don’t have to call the sheriff unless he wants to”

 

“Derek should go in first, we’ll stay outside the door make sure _no one_ goes in” Jackson narrowed his eyes as he leaned against the wall

 

“I’m with Jackson” Erica crossed her arms over her chest, cocking her hip to the side as she let her claws pop put “that includes you Scott”

 

Derek pushed the door open, turning to look at Boyd “you’re in charge” he closed the door behind him, seeing the boy he loves laying there, hooked up, wires entering his body, his skin a ghostly pale, his cheeks almost hollow. He didn’t know it had gotten this bad. He dragged a chair sitting next to Stiles grabbing his hand, black veins appearing on his arm, hissing at the pain.

 

* * *

 

Stiles slowly woke up, his eyes hurting from the harsh lights over him “Where am I?” he whispered, he felt a pair of warm hands on his face.

 

“You’re in the hospital” Derek spoke softly

 

“You aren’t a dream, you’re really here” he smiled, tears falling down his face “I’m sorry Derek, I’m sorry” he croaked out

 

“It’s okay, I’m here, and the whole pack is here, Erica, Boyd, Isaac and Jackson”

 

“Please don’t let my dad come here or Scott” He closed his eyes leaning against the warmth from Derek’s palms “Please don’t leave me” he whispered

 

“Don’t worry just sleep, I’m not going anywhere” Derek passed his fingers through Stiles hair “I’ll be here when you wake up” he watched as Stiles closed his eyes, his breathing started evening and slowing down “You’ll be okay”

 

* * *

 

 “I didn’t notice how bad it got” Derek turned around to see Melissa at the door “I’d see him walking around town and I thought he was mourning in his own way, I’d ask John and he’d tell me things were a bit rocky but this is more than a bit rocky” her eyes were swollen and red as she walked towards the bed “I’ve talked to Scott, he actually believed he wasn’t in the wrong, that boy will be the death of me. Stiles is like a son to me and I didn’t notice” she pushed Stiles hair from his face

 

“We fell off the map when we ran into Cora, my phone shattered into pieces and I thought about getting a new one, calling Stiles and hearing his voice but I thought he was better of without me, I thought he’d forget about me and go off to college. I never- we weren’t going to come back but it was this pull, something telling me something was wrong. I never imagined it was this” Derek cleared his throat as he stood up “I’ll be right back”

 

Melissa grabbed his shoulder “That boy adores you, whatever he did when he was under the influence will eat him alive, he’ll think you’ll hate him, he’ll think he isn’t worthy. Don’t let him think that, don’t let him stay here” she let him go as she turned around leaving the door open.

 

“She’s right” Boyd answered from the hall

 

* * *

 

As Stiles sat in the passenger seat of Derek’s rental, he felt jumpy. He never would have thought that Derek would actually stay with him, would invite him over to his loft. He didn’t know what to expect, he was afraid Derek would hate him, he doesn’t know how he’d react when the words spilled from Derek’s mouth.

 

Waiting for Derek to unlock the front door, the pack right behind him. He wrapped his arms around his stomach. Derek held the door open letting him walk in first

 

“It’s actually clean” Jackson said, Erica punched him in the arm “shut up asshole”.

 

“Yeah, I’d spend most of my time here. I don’t like being home and I like cleaning so” he rubbed his arm nervously as he walked towards the living room, sitting on the couch.

 

“So” he tapped his knee as he looked at everyone, gnawing on his bottom lip

 

“We’re going to get some food” Erica smiled “We’ll be back soon, I bet we’re all starving” she pulled Boyd with here “All of us” she narrowed her eyes at Jackson and Isaac.

 

Leaving Derek and Stiles by themselves, Derek could smell the panic, the guilt radiating off of him.

 

“Stiles you don’t have to tell us anything” Derek walked across the room, kneeling in front of him “You don’t owe us anything”

 

“I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you smiling like I didn’t do anything wrong, that I didn’t sleep with complete strangers, that I drank so much so I could barely feel anything, took drugs that I had no idea what they were because I was tired. I don’t – “

 

Derek cupped his cheeks, locking their gaze “Stiles, what you did doesn’t define you, doesn’t make us think less of you. We’ve all done things we aren’t necessarily proud of to survive. I’m sorry I left you Stiles, I’m sorry I thought you’d be better without me, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, to go off to college, have a normal life, be with someone normal, someone that deserved you”

 

“But I love you, you’re the one I wanted” he gripped Derek’s wrist “How can you love me back after everything –“

 

“Don’t, don’t say it” he lowered his hands, pressing their foreheads together “Stiles, I’ve always loved you. What you did, doesn’t make me love you any less”

 

“I wanted you to be my first” he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks “I always wanted you to be my everything but I messed it up, I –“ he started panicking, his breathing hitching

 

“Then I’ll be your last, Stiles look at me, what you did in the past doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t define you understand? And whatever you’re thinking, it isn’t true. I know you don’t believe me right now and I know it won’t be easy but I’ll be here for you every step of the way, the pack will be here. We won’t leave you ever again”

 

“Do you promise?” he whispered, closing his eyes

 

“I promise” Derek pulled him down on the floor, Stiles sitting on his lap as he rocked them back and forth “I promise I won’t leave you” he let Stiles cry, his shirt feeling wet as Stiles gripped on to him, almost as if he were afraid he would disappear. The choked sobs and screams filling the room, rubbing Stiles back “I’m right here”

 

* * *

 

  **A Year later**

It was still weird for him being able to sleep throughout the whole night without the voices or the nightmares. He turned to look at his side Derek was fast asleep, Derek’s arm thrown over his chest, resting right over his heart. It wasn’t easy at first any time Derek would leave he’d panic, they’d basically be stuck to the hip he was worried at first that Derek would hate it but he assured him he didn’t, he loved being with him but he didn’t believe that.

 

He never believed the compliments from Derek at first, couldn’t believe that Derek wanted to be with him, after everything he did. Slowly with therapy he started getting better, actually believing he was worth it, believing when the pack told him they loved him, believing Derek’s words of adoration.

 

He still couldn’t be near places that had alcohol or drugs, he’s been sober for a complete year and it’s been a constant battle. The withdrawals were painful, the cold sweats, the tremors and the nausea but Derek was always there, he was something constant in his life.

 

He no longer lived with his father, their relationship got better after John had heard about his hospital incident but it still had cracks, cracks that couldn’t be fixed right away.

 

Scott, he no longer spoke with Scott those cracks were too large to fix, there were too many negative feelings to even approach the topic so he said goodbye, leaving Scott’s pack for good. He loved Scott, he was like his brother but everything had turned toxic, too messed up to even fix. Maybe in the future they can talk and heal but right now it was impossible.

 

They moved to San Francisco, a new place with new memories and no bloodshed. The house the pack built was beautiful it kept him occupied for months when he was healing, he had something to keep himself busy. He took up painting and photography after the house was finished, something that wouldn’t create him  any stress but would still keep him entertained. He still had moments were he didn’t want to leave the house, moments were the voices came back but he knew how to handle them now.

 

He stood up from the bed, taking a warm shower to clear his mind, leaving breakfast on the table for everyone.

 

Derek found him sitting outside in the middle of the garden, sitting behind him, pulling Stiles to lay on his chest and rubbing their cheeks together “Hey love” he rested his hands over Stiles belly

 

“Hey Der” he laced their fingers together, he turned around pressing a warm kiss on his cheek “I love you”

 

Derek’s smile was breathtaking. He didn’t say I love you easily, Derek knew he felt it he just couldn’t say it properly but now? He finally felt at home, he felt safe and the voices no longer were there. Dragging his fingers through Derek’s hair “I’m a hundred percent in love with you and I always will be”

 

Derek leaned forward dragging the tip of his nose against Stiles neck; the radiating scent of cinnamon and happiness was overwhelming “I love you so much”

 

Stiles never would have imagined that this would be his life, that he’d be this happy.

**Author's Note:**

> That was heavy but he's finally happy!


End file.
